Having No Control

I Love Azusa Pacific, and my last two years in the University have been wonderful. But, thanks to a lovely thing called money, I have not been sure these past months if I can stay at APU next year, and I am currently still not sure. Back in November I applied to Sacramento State, knowing that I might need to come home and avoid even more school loans. At the same time that month, I applied for a Resident Advisor (RA) position with APU. Since my freshman year, I dreamed of being an RA and knew I would love to someday hold that leadership position. That position also means free rooming, which would save some money and further ensure my continuance at Azusa . I had been praying about both paths and that God would direct these decisions and results.
Well, yesterday some results were in…. and sadly, I did not get the Resident Advisor position. I was, and still am, sad about the decision made and cannot quite understand why it was not meant to happen. Only a few minutes later I also learned that Azusa is yet again raising tuition for next year. I went over to the prayer chapel on our S.A campus to pray and cry, and while I was in there, friends came in and prayed with and over me, and I was able to be honest and vulnerable about my worry and anxiousness and despair. I felt like the rejection of RA, and learning that tuition is increasing was all guidance from God telling me it was time to come home, and, honestly, that guidance was not a good feeling.
Since last night and into the morning I was constantly thinking of a few different things. The first was something I recently learned in a class. When sheep in a herd start to stray or go away from the flock or Sheppard, sometimes the Sheppard will actually break the leg of that sheep, and carry it around until the leg heals. When the leg finally heals, that sheep will be so familiar with the Sheppard, and so comforted by His presence that it will always follow him after. I think this relates to why God chooses to break us sometimes, and that although it hurts, He will also carry us through it, and during the process, we draw closer to Him. I know that God knows the plans for my life and future, and I trust that they are right. The real hard part is being patient, and realizing that we cannot know everything that will happen.
The other thing I was thinking about was how God knows the desires of our hearts. Last night, I struggled with that idea, because it seems so unfair that APU has to be such a great school and opportunity, but may be out of reach since I am not rich. I wonder why going there is a desire of my heart, but at the same time, understand that the desire must be bigger than me, and for a bigger purpose that will somehow glorify or bring joy to the Lord. Then again, if that is true, why would I have to leave?
I spent the night praying that God would give me a sense of direction, peace, and understanding. As I woke up this morning, I had a better sense of that, and feeling that wherever I am supposed to end up, that is where I will be. But at the same time, the desires of my heart were still the same. The decision by Sacramento State was supposed to show up on my email over a week ago, but never did. I opened my email, and today of all days, it was finally there. I was denied acceptance, and I have never been so happy in my life to get rejected. I got chills because the timing of all these events seemed a little too perfect. After a night of thinking these were all signs pointing to Sacramento, and believing I would have to give up the goals and dreams I desire, God says something like, “Nope, haha got ya, you are not coming home.” Or, at least for now I am not.
It does not change that I am still so short on money, or that I will have to think of a way to make the life I made at APU continue. I am now completely uncertain what this is all supposed to mean, but I think for now, I will pursue the desires of my heart, because they were placed there by God. He will either see those through, or He just may need more time to change my heart and figure out a new plan for my life. Either way, I will trust Him, and I will love the day and breath and life I have been given.