Having No Control

I Love Azusa Pacific, and my last two years in the University have been wonderful. But, thanks to a lovely thing called money, I have not been sure these past months if I can stay at APU next year, and I am currently still not sure. Back in November I applied to Sacramento State, knowing that I might need to come home and avoid even more school loans. At the same time that month, I applied for a Resident Advisor (RA) position with APU. Since my freshman year, I dreamed of being an RA and knew I would love to someday hold that leadership position. That position also means free rooming, which would save some money and further ensure my continuance at Azusa . I had been praying about both paths and that God would direct these decisions and results.
Well, yesterday some results were in…. and sadly, I did not get the Resident Advisor position. I was, and still am, sad about the decision made and cannot quite understand why it was not meant to happen. Only a few minutes later I also learned that Azusa is yet again raising tuition for next year. I went over to the prayer chapel on our S.A campus to pray and cry, and while I was in there, friends came in and prayed with and over me, and I was able to be honest and vulnerable about my worry and anxiousness and despair. I felt like the rejection of RA, and learning that tuition is increasing was all guidance from God telling me it was time to come home, and, honestly, that guidance was not a good feeling.
Since last night and into the morning I was constantly thinking of a few different things. The first was something I recently learned in a class. When sheep in a herd start to stray or go away from the flock or Sheppard, sometimes the Sheppard will actually break the leg of that sheep, and carry it around until the leg heals. When the leg finally heals, that sheep will be so familiar with the Sheppard, and so comforted by His presence that it will always follow him after. I think this relates to why God chooses to break us sometimes, and that although it hurts, He will also carry us through it, and during the process, we draw closer to Him. I know that God knows the plans for my life and future, and I trust that they are right. The real hard part is being patient, and realizing that we cannot know everything that will happen.
The other thing I was thinking about was how God knows the desires of our hearts. Last night, I struggled with that idea, because it seems so unfair that APU has to be such a great school and opportunity, but may be out of reach since I am not rich. I wonder why going there is a desire of my heart, but at the same time, understand that the desire must be bigger than me, and for a bigger purpose that will somehow glorify or bring joy to the Lord. Then again, if that is true, why would I have to leave?
I spent the night praying that God would give me a sense of direction, peace, and understanding. As I woke up this morning, I had a better sense of that, and feeling that wherever I am supposed to end up, that is where I will be. But at the same time, the desires of my heart were still the same. The decision by Sacramento State was supposed to show up on my email over a week ago, but never did. I opened my email, and today of all days, it was finally there. I was denied acceptance, and I have never been so happy in my life to get rejected. I got chills because the timing of all these events seemed a little too perfect. After a night of thinking these were all signs pointing to Sacramento, and believing I would have to give up the goals and dreams I desire, God says something like, “Nope, haha got ya, you are not coming home.” Or, at least for now I am not.
It does not change that I am still so short on money, or that I will have to think of a way to make the life I made at APU continue. I am now completely uncertain what this is all supposed to mean, but I think for now, I will pursue the desires of my heart, because they were placed there by God. He will either see those through, or He just may need more time to change my heart and figure out a new plan for my life. Either way, I will trust Him, and I will love the day and breath and life I have been given.

These are the Days....

Hello yet again everyone! It has been about 3 weeks since I have written, and it has been a busy time. There were some packed weeks of classes, papers, and preparing for finals, but thankfully the hard work is over and I have finished up with my two elective classes, Art and Life & Teachings of Jesus. For the rest of my time here I will only have to worry about History, Intercultural Communication, and Community Engagement. This week my community engagement class is starting, and on Thursday I will be starting work at my service site, called “Riv’ Life.” I and several others were assigned to this site, and we will be caring for children, doing community food drives, working with support groups for people with Aids, and many other things I am not quite sure of yet. We will be at these sites 4 times a week for the next 4 weeks, and I am excited to meet the local people in the community, build relationships, and learn more about the culture.
Despite the busy weeks full of work, all of us here have found the time to have a lot of fun. We have found some delicious coffee places, and spent a few nights out at the movies, since they are only 2 dollars here! I am also newly addicted to a card game called “nerts” which is a weird mix of solitaire and speed. We also celebrated finals and classes being over with dinner out to Thai food, dessert, a dance party, and a movie. Besides that, we spent our free time building bonfires, chasing zebras and basking in the African sun. The last few weekends I have also been very busy traveling. A few weeks back, we went to see the San Bushman paintings in Drakensburg, and spent the day hiking up the mountain and swimming in the river. The next weekend we went to a zip-line course, where we spent the day working our way down a mountain using 8 different zip-lines, and now Tarzan has nothing on me. Flying through the jungle definitely met some of my South Africa expectations. This past weekend we went to 4 different battlefields, where we were able to get tours and accounts of the past wars that had taken place at each. It actually wasn’t all that exciting, but we were able to stay at a fancy hotel and eat a delicious fancy dinner. Good food is amazing and rare here, since the campus’ only food groups seem to be meat, rice, and PB&J. We also spent over 10 hours in the bus that weekend, but at least caught up on sleep and road trip games. We also had a “Sunday Funday” just this past week, where we had a slip-n-slide, and played some pretty intense relay race games with our chalet team mates.
It came across my mind that my time here in this country is about ½ way over at this point, which is a crazy realization. It has been such a fun, amazing, and different experience, and I know the next two months will be full of many more experiences. I am thankful for the friendships I have made and for the amazing life I have been given and am living out here each day.